Squirrel Hazing

http://squirrelhazing.squirrelsinblack.org/
Finally, there's an answer to the age-old question of why squirrels act so stupid. Squirrel hazing -- a destructive and often deadly practice similar to fraternity hazing -- could be responsible for everything from squirrels racing in front of speeding cars, stuffing their cheeks with nuts to the bursting point, and taunting dogs that were bred to chase them.


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Dog Diaper

http://www.dog-diaper.com/
If shaving Sparky into a cute string of pom-poms isn't cruel enough, this invention is sure to destroy every last remnant of his dog dignity. The patented dog diaper fits snugly over the tail and under the crotch to eliminate the need for walks altogether. Of course, it will make your pet the unfortunate recipient of endless canine cruelty and derision. But the added benefit of never having to say "pooper scooper" again is sure to make that a moot point for most.

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Aliens Are Abducting Our Pants!

http://www.sock-monkey.com/pants.html
Whitley Streiber had it all wrong when he popularized the alien abduction myth ten years ago. The interstellar, almond-eyed beings who he thought were giving him a medical exam were really on a fashion crusade for second-hand pants. Learn the shocking truth that the government has been hiding since the Roswell incident, and find out how to protect your wardrobe from praying gray hands.

Note added April 10, 2005: I recall a South Park show about gnomes who would steal kids' underpants. I wonder if Trey Parker saw this site and incorporated the idea into the show?


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Society for Barefoot Living

http://www.barefooters.org/
There's a place for everyone online -- even for this friendly group of shoe-shunners. The Dirty Sole Society outwardly thumbs its nose at the "no shoes, no service" establishment. At its very official Web site, you can search for barefoot-friendly businesses by zip code, learn about the legality of walking and driving barefoot, and see pictures of foot nudists on vacation in unlikely places.

Note added April 10, 2005: this site used to be called the Dirty Sole Society. Maybe its members decided that wasn't exactly the most uplifiting name?


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Garlic, Sour Cream and Leeches

http://www.uib.no/isf/people/doc/leech.htm
One day, someone arbitrarily decreed that a little garlic each day keeps vampires away. Science disagrees. According to a recent study, leeches gorge on garlic, then shrivel up and die. The conclusion for vampires is obvious. Wearing a string of garlic at night is like setting up a roach motel. Vampires may check in, but only after your blood checks out. This fall I'm sticking with bug repellant.

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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And the Bride Wore ...

http://www.visi.com/%7Edheaton/bride/the_bride_wore.html
In honor of the torrent of trashy, ad-packed wedding magazines, here's the ultimate collection of wedding attire people couldn't be paid to put on. For the bride, there's the hermetically sealed bridal veil, the "my butt isn't big enough" train and a whole category of missteps called simply "flower abuse". For the groom, the white-striped Pepe Le Pew tuxedo. But the grand prize goes to "Bride of the Mummy," a dark swirl of fabric tightly wound all the way to the bride's face -- or is that her stomach? You decide.

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Nude Carrot Man

http://www.maui.net/%7Eliam/nudecarrot/nudemancarrot.html
What's the big deal with human nudity online? Lewd, nude vegetables are much more interesting. Take Nude Man Carrot, nature's own anatomically correct (and orange) "David". When he showed up on the chopping block of Liam Ball, he couldn't bring himself to stew him. So he put together a photo spread that would make any vegetarian blush. You might even call it raw.


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Plot-o-Matic

http://www.maddogproductions.com/plotomatic.htm
A kind-hearted prostitute teams up with a crotchety codger to solve the perfect crime. An absent-minded scientist joins a fellow hostage (who happens to have a black belt in karate) to discover America -- and in the process betrays a nun. If you think you're reading this summer's movie guide, you've been fooled by the "Plot-o-matic." Throw in a few characters, dial a genre and out comes your blockbuster. Here's $10 that says the next "Godzilla" flick involves a prostitute, hostage or nun.


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Stare Down Sally

http://www.stairwell.com/stare/
Sally mercilessly mocked you with her plutonium green eyes after blowing the curve of every high school math test. With her unnaturally symmetrical widow's peak and perfectly plucked brows, you knew she was the evil wunderkind incarnate. Ready for sweet revenge? Try to stare down Sally without blinking. The computer-generated 1950s witch may stare you back for several seconds or an eternity, depending on her mood. But even if you win you lose: after all, you just flushed several minutes of your life down the toilet while Sally went on to run a high-tech company.

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Virtual Beer Server

http://beer.trash.net/
As big business beats the Web into submission, it's easy to lament the days of two guys in a garage changing the world. But don't give up on them yet. The trash.net virtual beer server -- run by five guys in Switzerland -- lets you e-mail a cold one to your pal in a split second. While the beer is obviously a mirage (a glitch that's sure to be solved by future garage dwellers), the effect on the soul upon receiving free beer is nothing less than liberating. Unfortunately, it also makes daily e-mail memos that much more boring.

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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The World Through the Eyes of a Honeybee

http://cvs.anu.edu.au/andy/beye/beyehome.html
Summer means not just allergies, but swarms of bees flaunting their stingers mere inches from your face. But remember: they're more afraid of you than you are of them, partly because your nose is bigger than Barbara Streisand's from a bee's point of view. See how scary a human face, a spider web and even another bee can look through a composite eye, and gain new insight into why trapped bees never seem to be able to find their way out of your car.

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Godzilla vs. Tamagotchi

http://www.jitterbug.com/gvt/gvt.shtml
Godzilla secured his role of King of the Monsters by conquering such villains as Rodan and Mothra, but 1990s technology may be his match. The culprit is not precision weaponry, but that other Japanese monster: the virtual pet. In the game "Godzilla Vs. Tamagotchi" (inspired by Mar Newland's 1969 short film "Bambi Meets Godzilla"), you must squash baby babitchi before he grows into the more nimble masktchi, who slips through your feet like so much toe jam. Indeed size does matter -- but apprently smaller is better. (Note: Shockwave is required.) -Dan Pacheco

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Absurd Inventions

http://totallyabsurd.com/absurd.htm
The endless pursuit for quick money has lead to some pretty goofy inventions in this country. Take the patented "all-terrain stroller," a battle-ready baby carriage that comes with tank treads and steel armor. Not high-tech enough for your toddler? Perhaps if you'd known about the "diaper alarm" sooner, baby wouldn't have such a rash. There are also plenty of toys of grown-ups such as the "face-flexor" exercise machine and an basement bargain nuclear fallout shelter.


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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The Bus Plunge Network

http://users.lmi.net/tcs55/
The next time you're teetering up a slippery Pennsylvanian mountain pass or over an icy bridge, remember this simple fact: innocent people like you are being hurled to certain death on public buses every day. The Bus Plunge Network memorializes them all -- from the 42 Moroccan farm workers whose vehicle tumbled down an overpass to the 12 Hindu pilgrims whose uplifting visit to a Shivan shrine was cut short by a hungry gorge. The latter case is irreverently classified by the webmaster as a case of "pilgrimus morticus." Other genus classifications include "bridgus slipperius", "curvus skiddus", "ferryboat sinkus", and the all to frequent "driver inebrious."


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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The Payphone Project

http://sorabji.com/livewire/payphones/
There you are filling up your car when the nearby payphone starts ringing off the hook. Ever wonder how and why people call these anonymous numbers? It all became clear to me when I chanced upon The Payphone Project. This frighteningly comprehensive directory of public phones in almost every area code in North America provides not only their seven-digit codes, but information on their environs. That way you know if the person on the other end is in the lobby at Ichabod Crane Middle School, inside a post office in Bellevue or outside a reading room at the Library of Congress. What's truly scary is that you can add your own numbers -- a surefire way to punish sworn enemies. I'll take a telemarketer over a Net phone voyeur any day.


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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PhoneSpell

http://www.phonespell.org/
One of the great secrets of remembering phone numbers is to assign letters to numbers to create words. Phonespell does the hard part for you. Just feed the site a 7- or 10-digit number to bring up a list of possible acrostic combinations, some of which make sarcastic or silly statements about their owners. After crunching every public number I could think of, I learned that Marion Barry's office sports the stylish number "papa 980," while the vestigial D.C. City Council languishes at "rag-8000." People with tax problems can consult the District Auditor by dialing "rape-600". And finally (this is no joke), sewage problems can be referred to the Office of Solid Waste Management at "pa-shit-a".

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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Fat!So?

http://www.fatso.com/
It's hard to find a site that kicks you in the seat of your pants anymore. Here's one that moons you. Squatting on the fence of Internet decency, the site of "Fat!So?" magazine greets the casual surfer with a vivid screen of well-padded rear ends. Click any one of them and you'll actually learn some fascinating things about obesity, which editor Marilyn Henrietta Wann -- the absolute nemesis of Susan Powter -- is attempting to bring into mainstream society by nothing less than brute force. If you're looking for the butt of the joke, you're in the punch line. "Fat people are not, by definition, lazy or stupid," writes Wann. "People who believe in such stereotypes, however, are."


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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The Hop-On Musical Potty

http://www.newsignal.com/
If you ever have any doubt about how far society has come since the discovery of silicon circuits, ponder the Hop On Musical Potty. This high-tech kids' starter toilet actually plays "Little Brown Jug" and "Mary had a little lamb" when its gold-plated electronic sensor detects moisture in the bowl. To further the fun, kids are encouraged to think of the device as not just a piece of smart plastic, but their friend "Hoppy" the kangaroo. Musical chairs was just the beginning.

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1997)
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Santa's Bones

http://www.walkabouttravelgear.com/bones.htm
(Hey, kids, don't read this!) Here's a little sour fact to drop in your neighbor's eggnog. Do you ever wonder if maybe, just maybe, Christmas magic is true and Santa Claus is a real person? Well, you're half right. The truth is that not only did the jolly old elf (actually a Roman bishop) walk the earth, but he bit the dust in A.D. 343. If you don't believe it, you can stare at photos of his tired old bones on the Net. The relics are stored in an archaeological museum in Turkey, where the saintly philanthroper once gave two girls money to keep them from being sold to a brothel. There are three fragments on display, and I'm sorry to report that they're entirely devoid of anything magic -- in fact, they're quite dead. "It's very bizarre staring at St. Nick's bones," writes the author. "You expect the Easter Bunny's femur to be in the next case over."

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1997)
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Jesus of the Week

3/28/2006 Update: Apparently Peter Gilstrap stopped updating Jesus of the Week in 2000. I received this tip from someone called "The Jesus Keeper" in a note signed "Bless You". It's a lucky day for me!

http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/
For the first 1,900 years after the birth of Christ, artists spent their lives developing and perfecting methods to depict skillfully the life and tragic death of Jesus of Nazareth. Ever since then it's been a downward spiral of cheap plastic kitsch and holy craft art -- all of which somehow ended up in the home of L.A. writer Peter Gilstrap. If you're not easily offended by what some will surely consider sacrilege, take a tour through this growing collection of 83 trinkets straight out of America's church bazaars and shrines. There you'll find a plastic Jesus night light, a J.C. doormat and a good dose of tongue-in-cheek Catholicism. True aficionados can submit a digital confession for a chance at a genuine Jesus napkin holder.


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1997)
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Lip Balm Anonymous

http://www.kevdo.com/lipbalm/
Before the brisk winter winds send you combing your pockets for a soothing piece of wax to smear across your blistered maw, ask yourself this: Could you stop using it for just one day, or even one hour? If your answer is "no," chances are that you (like me) are a Chap Stick addict -- and a good candidate for the Lip Balm Anonymous club. We may have lost our dignity in exchange for soft, supple smackers, but now, thanks to the Web, we have hope: a 12-step program, testimonials, and a forum in which to share our success in kicking the habit. (You didn't hear it from me, but there are also some good addict tips, such as ditching the drug-less Chap Stick for harder aspirin-spiked stuff like Carmex.) There I go again. Hey, has anyone seen my lip balm?

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1997)
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Great Mobile Homes of Mississippi

http://www.drbukk.com/gmhom/gmindex.html
Why do trailer park tenants spend their money on fancy trucks and hot rods while littering their yards with old appliances and retired, avocado-green furniture? Doug Kelley berates the Bubba in all of us in "Great Mobile Homes of Mississippi," a guided photographic tour of some of the finer abodes of Columbus, Mississippi. Even better than the pictures are the letters from angry, self-identified Southern Baptists, one of whom curiously argues with the author about who really won the Civil War. (Hint: it doesn't rhyme with hankey)

Note added April 10, 2005: This site used to have a different URL, and when you go there you find a note that it had been purchased by Drbukk.com. Where was I when people were purchasing funny Web sites? Oh yeah, that was the 1990s. I was keeping my head down at AOL hoping I wouldn't be laid off, which would never happen, but it took me 6 years to figure that out ...


(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1998)
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The Life Simulator

http://www.conceptlab.com/simulator/

If reality is God's dream, could life be someone's Web page? If that's true, pray that yours is not the dull existence of the "Life Simulator," perhaps the most mundane experiment in virtual reality to date. The unfortunate participant must click buttons to make everyday decisions such as whether or not to hit the snooze button or watch TV before going to bed. The scenes are presented in excruciatingly detailed photograhs whose elements change as you call the shots. The height of the day is the commute to work, which you can do slow or fast; choosing the latter makes the trucks, trees and houses rush past your Honda's windshield in one big blur. Work consists of alternating all beef patties and spongy buns to create the world's best hamburgers. Drive home in your Honda. Watch TV. Write in your diary. Go to bed. Dream about making burgers. Wake up and take a shower. Go to work ... sound familiar?

(This was reprinted from my Washington Post column in 1997)
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Chindogu: almost useful stuff

http://www.chindogu.com/

I love this site because it highlights things that are inherently ridiculous but were actually meant to be useful. According to the tenets of the International Chindogu Society, a chindogu ("weird tool" in Japanese) is almost useless. For example, any lazy bum can appreciate the thought behind putting a cat to work by fitting it with dust slippers, but would anyone actually do that? Or my other favorite, butter that can be applied from a stick, with the ability to turn a dial to get more butter. When I first saw this I actually thought, what a great idea! But then I imagined my two-year-old daughter trying to attach pictures to construction paper with butter, or worse, thinking that it's OK to eat anything that comes out of any roll-on stick. Maybe our household should stick with less confusing inventions like the automatic noodle cooler, which seems so much more efficient than blowing it with your own hot air.

CLICK is back!

Hello again, faithful CLICK fans! I know that you're probably looking at me the way a child looks at a deadbeat dad who stopped home to give his little tots a cheap gumball machine toy for Christmas before disappearing again. But I want you to know -- thanks to my Web site's search engine tracking, I have felt your pain and I now realize that you never left me even though I left you. I'm now back for good!

For those of you who are new to this site, I owe an explanation. Back in 1997, Rob Pegoraro from The Washington Post was trying to get rid of a column called "Click" that he wrote for the Style section. The focus of the site was wacky Web sites. At the time, I was working on a site on washingtonpost.com called Interact (later named Technology Post), and would sometimes feature similar stuff. When I left washingtonpost.com, Rob called to ask if I would please, please, please take over the column so he could spend time on his new job as Editor of Fast Forward. I agreed -- and wrote the weekly column for about two years until they canceled the entire page the column was on. (It's OK Joel -- I know you tried your best to keep that eclectic Surfing section around).

At that time, I decided it would be nice to put all of those columns online. I got permission from The Washington Post to do this, then set up Click: Strange Stuff for Idle Minds. I continued to keep my regular schedule of posting a strange site every week, and even developed a newsletter. A lot of you came to the site, and everything was happy happy. And then ... along came AOL. I quickly got too busy and couldn't even find time to surf for fun sites, let alone write about them. The site lived on, but in disrepair. And then, time forgot it.

But you didn't forget it! I discovered this today from my bed, where I have been lying recovering from a virus from Mars that I picked up from my 2-year-old daughter. While surfing around through the Futureforecast.com site stats, I discovered that CLICK-related keywords are one of the main draws to Futureforecast.com. Here's just a smattering of the kinds of things you all have been searching for:

• tamagotchi/masktchi
• funny clicks
• strange
• stuff
• strange strange stuff
  
• idle minds

On top of that, 107 of you went to the futureforecast.com/click directory last week alone. (Curiously, a lot of people also come to my domain searching for information about John Wilkes Booth, thanks to a story I did about him for The Denver Post back in 1995). There are some funny search keywords for him -- my favorite being, "exhumation abe lincoln" and "mummified bodies." Um, can I just say for a second that you Booth Sleuths are a little creepy and weird?

So anyway, thanks to you, CLICK is back. I will start it as a blog with one post a week that features a wacky web site. Thanks to the advent of blogging, this will be a heck of a lot easier than it was in the old days, when I had to go into Dreamweaver and edit HTML (yuck!)

If enough of you hang around, I may also try to make this a little interactive and let you highlight your own favorite wacky sites. There are also a lot of tools that make this easier.

So let's get started! My next post will be for a wacky web site I found just this morning. Thank goodness for laryngitis and bed rest!